Man goes to his doctor for a checkup. Doctor calls a week later and says,
"I've got some bad news and some VERY bad news. Which do you want first?"

Man says, "Let me hear the good news first." 

"You have only one day to live."

"One day?? My God! What can be worse than that? Tell me the very bad news!"

Doctor says, "I should have told you yesterday."

_______________________________________
Good news is there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
Bad news is it's a train coming.
                     
________________________________________________________________
  A young soldier in airborne school (where they learn how to parachute) is on
the plane getting ready to jump out for the first time.  He's sitting there -
minutes before the first jump - and looks over at his sergeant.

Trooper:  I just can't jump sir.
Sergeant: Why not?
T: Well, I'm just too scared.
S: Why?  You've been through all the training.  You know what to do.
T: I'm afraid my chute won't open.
S: Son, if that happens, you've got your emergency chute.  NO PROBLEM.
T: But what if that one won't open?
S: That won't happen.
T: But what if it does?
S: If that happens, just fold your hands together and say, "Buddha, Buddha,
Buddha!"
T: But I don't believe in that religion!  Besides it's silly.  That won't
save me! You're just trying to get me to jump!
S: I'm serious, if your chutes fail you, put your hands together and recite
the mantra.
T: No, I'm not gonna do it.

The sergeant then grabs the young soldier and THROWS him out of the plane. 
The soldier starts to panic - for a moment he is frozen with fear.  Then he
remembers his training.  He pulls the cord and the chute goes sailing away
from him - his descent is not slowed.  He almost starts to panic again and he
remembers the emergency chute.  He pulls the cord and once again the chute
flies away from him and the rate of his descent is undiminished.  He is
completely panic-stricken now, but remembers the advice of his sergeant.  He
is crying and he puts his hands together and recites, "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha,
Buddha.  Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha"  He keeps this up.  He's knows it's
hopeless, but he has nothing to do.  Suddenly he feels calm.  His descent is
slowing and he looks down to see a HUGE hand beneath him gently lowering him
to the ground.  Now he is really excited, "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha. 
Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha."  The hand keeps lowering him.  "Buddha,
Buddha..."  And finally the hand touches ground and he lowers himself from a
mighty digit.  "Thank God!" he cries out in tears!

  And the hand squashes him.
________________________________________________________
  A young LT (lieutenant) is getting ready to go out on a war game and comes
to the armory to pick up his weapon.  He is told they are out of weapons and
asks his CPT (captain) if he can pass on the days festivities.  "Nope.  You've
gotta go out like everyone else!  You just hold your arms up like so and say,
'Bangity, Bangity, Bang!'"

  "That's ridiculous!  I'm a grown man!  I'm not going to humiliate myself
like that!"

  "LT, this is a lawful order - I'm ordering you to do this.  Quit making a
fuss!  It'll work just fine - you'll see."

  So the LT goes out in the field with the other soldiers and becomes
separated along a deserted road.  He hears someone coming and ducks out of the
way.  When a person from the other side comes strolling down the road, he
jumps out right next to him, holds his arms up as if pointing a weapon, and
says, "Bangity, Bangity, Bang!"  (He feels terribly stupid.)  But the 'victim'
falls over obligingly without hesitation and does not move.  He starts to
thinking it might be very nice to do this again - to participate in these
events without carrying around that cumbersome machine gun would be very
desirable.

  Soon he hears another person coming and he again hides behind a bush.  When
the fellow walks by, the LT pops out again and yells, "Bangity, Bangity Bang!"
and the victim falls over 'dead'!  This is great, thinks the LT, and he goes
to wait for his next victim.

  In a little while, another person comes walking by and the LT jumps out,
goes through his motions and yells, "Bangity, Bangity, Bang."  Only this time
the fellow keeps right on walking.  The LT thinks maybe the fellow didn't hear
him, so he walks right next to him and screams as loud as he can "Bangity!
Bangity! Bang!"  And the fellow keeps right now walking.

  The LT is really pissed!  He yells out, "Listen here Sergeant!  I outrank
you!  I shot you fairly and you are supposed to fall over!  This time you'ld
better do it!"  Then he jumps right in front of the Sarge, holds up his arms,
and screams at the top of his lungs, "BANGITY, BANGITY, BANG!" and the sarge
walks right over the top of him.  As he walks past the LT, he looks back,
smiles and says sweetly, "Tankity, Tankity, Tank!"