A Newfoundlander went to a real estate agent to buy a house.  The agent
showed him a nice cottage, roomy and in good repair, surrounded by a
pretty garden. The only problem was the price - $50,000.
Newfie : "You're out of your mind if you think I'll pay that kind of
money !"
Agent :  "Okay, no problem, I'll show you something cheaper"
The next house was a tar paper shack in the woods with broken windows
and a leaky roof. 
Agent : "you can have this one for $5,000"
Newfie:"Look, I said I wanted to economize. Don't you have anything
reasonable?" 
The third place cost onl $500, only it was     -      an outhouse.
The Newfoundlander thought it was fine and bought it.
Three months later the Agent, being in the area, decided to drop in and
see how the Newfoundlander was doing. He thought that maybe, after
living in an outhouse for three months, he'd be willing to buy a more
expensive dwelling.
Newfie:"Well, nice to see you, and thanks for selling me this great
house !"
Agent : " No problems ? "
Newfie : " No, it's just fine, and listen, I'm even making an income
from the place. "
Agent :  "You are ?"
Newfie : " Yes, I'm renting the basement apartment to a Nova Scotian. "
______________________________________________
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROOM

      Last year, scientists for the Ethyl Corp. (known for producing
      gasoline additives that increase octane) in Baton Rouge, La., 
      developed "Zeolite A," a substance that makes roosters more
      sexually aggressive.  They tested it by counting the number 
      of times the roosters jumped on graduate student volunteers
      from Louisiana State University.


OOOOOPSE

      An unidentified undercover Illinois narcotics officer lost
      $80,000 in cash when he left it on top of his car and drove     
      off to make a drug bust.  Des Plaines Police Chief Kenneth
      Randolph warned, "If someone is sitting in their home and
      afraid to turn the money in, we want our money back."

WHEN YOU GOTTA GO...

      In March, Air Force pilot Craig Fisher lost a $19 million F-16
      jet fighter when he was unable to handle both the controls and
      his "piddle-pack," a sponge-filled pouch for in-flight urination.
      He had attempted to raise himself up for a better urinating 
      position when his foot hit the wrong pedal.  Fisher ejected safely.

QUIK PIKs

            --- 23% of Americans said they watch "too little" television.

      --- The average American consumes 1,500 peanut butter & jelly
          sandwiches before reaching adulthood

      --- The maintenance crew at the Statue of Liberty cleans up 600
          pounds of chewing gum per year from the statue grounds
_______________________________________________________
The reason why worry kills more people than work, is that more people worry
than work.

Anyone in good enough shape to run 3 miles a day is in good enough shape not
to

Confidence is the feeling you had before you knew better

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one

No matter how bad a child is, he's still good for a tax exemption

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate

My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it

It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious

Women like silent men.  They think they're listening

The brain is wonderful.  It starts working the moment you wake and doesn't
stop until you get on the job

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening

All warranties expire upon payment of invoice

A fool and his money are some party 

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing

Leakproof Seals - will.  Self-starters - will not.
Interchangeable parts - won't

The Russians will never invade us.  There's no place to park

If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes to the bone

If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it

Sympathy is what you give a relative when you don't want to lend him money