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   Q: What do you call a cow with two legs? 
   A: Lean beef. 
 
   Q: What do you call a deer without an eye? 
   A: No eye deer. 
 
   Q: What do you call a deer without an eye and no legs? 
   A: Still no eye deer. 
 
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    Q: What do you call a cow w/ no legs? 
    A: ground beef 
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An Englishman, Irishman, and Australian are in RAF paratrooper 
training, about to take their first jump.  The instructor points to the 
Englishman, saying "You first".  The Englishman jumps, pulls his 
ripcord, the chute opens, he drifts slowly downward.  The instructor 
points to the Australian, who likewise jumps, pulls his cord, and 
floats down on his chute. 
 
The Irishman jumps last.  As you'd expect in this sort of joke, he 
pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens; no chute.  He pulls the cord 
for the backup chute; nothing.  And as he goes plummeting to earth, he 
zips past the Australian, who says "Oh, it's a race, is it?" [pantomime 
removing parachute]. 
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The proud father potato had single-handedly raised his three beautiful 
daughters after their mother had died. 
 
One day, the time came for the girls to go out and find husbands. Tearfully, 
they left the house and set out into the world, vowing to make their father 
proud of them. 
 
Time passed. Eventually the eldest daughter returned. "Father!" she exclaimed,
 
"I've found a husband. I'm sure you'll like him ... he's a Jersey Royal". 
The old potato was overjoyed at the news - he was a bit of a Royalist and he 
looked forward to spending his life as the father of a princess. 
 
Presently, the second daughter arrived home. "Father! I'm engaged ... to a
King Edward!". The spud could hardly contain himself - his daughter, a Queen! 
 
He eagerly awaited the return of his youngest, most beautiful daughter. Soon 
she returned. "Daddy, daddy ... I've found the perfect husband ... he's Dan
Rather!" 
 
The old man tried to be pleased for her, but couldn't conceal his 
disappointment from his little girl. "What's wrong daddy?" she asked. 
 
      "It's just ... well, Dan Rather ... he's a commentator!" 
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Poor little Willie 
  We shall see little Willie no more 
For what he thought was H2O 
  Was H2SO4... 
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He--  It's coming up on your birthday and I'd like some idea of what 
      you'd like for your birthday. 
 
She-- I want a divorce!! 
 
Pause-- 
 
He--  I'm really sorry, but I hadn't planned to spend that much 

Jokes