A California kid is walking down the beach one day.  He finds an old lamp.
When he robs it, a genie comes out and says I can grant you two wishes.
 
The boy says, "For the first wish I want to live in a sane state, like Oregon.
 
For the second wish I want to get as close as possible to women."
 
The genie says, "Consider it done!!!"  Poof!!  The genie disappears,
and the boy turns into a sanitary napkin.
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A man had a male parrot for a number of years.  One day he realized that
the parrot was awfully quiet and somewhat depressed.  So he decided to
buy a female parrot to keep him company.
 
The man went to the pet shop and bought a beautiful female parrot for
$50.00.  He brought her home, put her in the same cage as the other one,
covered the cage with a sheet to give them some privacy, and told the
male parrot, "You'd better take good care of her.  She cost me 50 bucks!"
 
The next morning, as the man pulled the sheet off the cage, he noticed that
the cage was covered with all of the female parrot's feathers, and she was
in one corner of the cage shaking and without a single feather.
 
The man got quite upset and yelled at his parrot, "Didn't I tell you to 
take care of her?  What the hell did you do that for?"  The parrot in
response mumbled, "Because for 50 bucks, she wasn't even going to get
naked!!!"
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A beautiful young girl was involved in a car accident one day.  Although she
wasn't injured, all her clothes were ripped as a result of the accident.  As
she stood helpless on the intersection waiting for help to arrive, the men in
the passing cars started to admire her beautiful body and throw money at her.
 
When she arrived home, she told the story to her mother and showed her the
large sum of money she had collected as a result of the mishap.  The mother
thought that was an easy way of making money and decided to try that herself
the next day.
 
She went to the same intersection, got out of the car, ripped all her clothes
off and waited.  Later that day she came home very tired.  When her daughter
asked how much money she had collected, she said, "Just a lousy dollar."
 
The daughter was amazed and asked, "Why only a dollar?"  The mother said,
"Because of all the passing cars only one stopped.  The man gave me the dollar
bill and said, "Lady, if you must stand there naked, do us all a favor, take
this dollar and buy yourself a Gillette razor!!!"
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Three married couples, aged 20,30,40 years old, want to join the Orthodox 
Church of Sexual Repression.  Near the end of the interview, the priest
informs them that before they can be accepted they will have to pass one 
small test.  They will have to abstain from all sex for a month.  They all 
agree to try.
 
A month later they are having their final interview with the cleric.  He 
asks the 40 year old couple how they did.  "Well, it wasn't too hard.  I 
spent a lot of time in the workshop and she has a garden so we had plenty 
of other things to do.  We did OK." the husband said.
 
"Very good, my children.  You are welcome in the Church.  And how well did 
you manage?", he asked the 30 year old couple.
 
"It was pretty difficult", the husband answered.  "We thought about it all 
the time.  We had to sleep in different beds and we prayed a lot.  But we 
were celibate for the entire month."
 
"Very good, my children.  You are welcome in the Church.  And how about
you?", he asked the 20 year old couple.
 
"Not too good, I'm afraid, Father.  We did OK for the first week.", he said 
sheepishly.  "By the second week we were going crazy with lust.  Then one 
day during the third week my wife dropped a head of lettuce and when she 
bent over to pick it up, I... I weakened and took her right there."
 
"I'm sorry my son, you are not welcome in the Church"
 
"Yeah, and we're not too welcome at the grocery anymore either"

Jokes