One fine day in the middle of the night,
two dead men got up to fight.
Back to back they faced,
drew their swords, and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and came and shot those two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
ask the blind man -- he saw it too.
 
Author unknown.
____________________________________________________________
This was quoted in a recent issue of Punch:
 
-- FINLAND TREE SERVICES -- 
Don't kill yourself working in the garden,
 let us do it for you.
__________________________________________________________________
     There was a young girl of Pitlochry
     Who was had by a man in a rockery.
         She said, "Oh! You've come
         All over my bum;
     This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
 
 
     There was an old lady who lay
     With her legs wide apart in the hay,
         Then, calling the ploughman,
         She said, "Do it now, man!
     Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
 
**************************************************
 John, a WWII pilot, was a passenger on a new 767.  After John took his seat
he signalled for the flight attendant.  John said, "Excuse me stewardess,
but I'm an old WWII flyer, and I was wondering if it was OK to take a look 
in the cabin."  The flight attendant replied, "Sure, follow me, but by the
way we're not called stewardesses any more; we're flight attendants.
 
When John got to the front of the plane, he was amazed at all the electronic
gadgetry, and also the presence of a female pilot.  After a brief tour by the
pilot John said, "I'd really like to thank you for letting me see the
cockpit."
To which the pilot replied, "Your welcome, but by the way it's not called a 
COCKpit any more."
_________________________________________________________________
  Mary was showing pictures of animals to her kindergarten class.  Mary held
up a picture of a bear and asked one of her students, "Mike, can you tell 
me what this is?"
  Mike replied, "Sure, that's a bear."
  Mary said, "Very good Mike, now Joan, can you tell me what this is?",
holding up a picture of a rabbit.  
  Joan said, "Everyone knows that's a rabbit."
  Mary said, "Very good Joan, now Johnny, can you tell me what this is?",
holding up a picture of a 7 point deer.
  Johnny didn't say anything, he just looked puzzled.
  Mary recognizing that Johnny needed help said, "I'll give you a hint Johnny,
sometimes you will hear your mother call your father this when he comes home
from work.
  Johnny's face lightened up and he replied, "So!, that's what a horny bastard
looks like."
__________________________________________________________________________
The King's carriage slowly proceeds through the town as the King
surveys the crowds.
"Stop", he orders, as he and a scruffy peasant exchange double-
takes.
"My good man", says the King, "I am most astounded by our
 resemblance to each other."
"Tis true, sire.  We could be brothers" says commoner.
"Tell me," says the King, "Did you mother ever work in the castle?"
"No", says peasant, "but my father did."
__________________________________________________
A young lady develops a very painful and ugly pimple in a very embarrassing
location of her body.  She is pretty upset about it and goes to a hospital
to get some medical help.
 
Since she is not sure what type of doctor is able to help her, she decides
to ask advise from the first doctor she finds.  So after looking around, she
finds an office with a doctor's name on it and walks in.  She then takes off
her clothes and shows the pimple to the gentleman in white, and asks him for
advice.
 
After observing the pimple for a while, the man walks out and comes back
with another man in white.  They both look at it for a while, then they walk
out and comes back with yet another man in white.  This happens a few times.
 
After having seen so many doctors looking at her problem, she becomes very
worried and asks the first one, "Well, what do you think doctor?  Is this
problem life threatening?"  The men look at each other, and one of them says,
"How should we know?  We ain't doctors, we're painters hired to do a paint
job in this wing of the hospital!!!"
_____________________________________________________________________________
A man is told by a friend that his wife is having an affair.  He decides
to catch his wife and her lover in action so that she can't deny it.  So
one day he pretends he is going to work but instead he hides behind a
neighbor's house and waits for the lover to show up.  Sure enough, the
lover shows up shortly after.
 
The man then sneaks up behind the bedroom window and peaks in.  He sees
that the two are in the process of getting naked.  His wife starts with
her stockings first, then takes off her skirt and then her panties.
 
At this point the man is boiling with anger.  He can't control himself
anymore and jumps in from the window and starts screaming and goes after
his wife and her lover.  The two manage to get out of the house and the
man starts running after his wife in the street.
 
After running for a while they reach an intersection and suddenly the
wife disappears.  The husband looks around and notices that an officer
is standing in one corner.  He walks up to the officer and asks, "Excuse
me officer, did you see a half-laid woman running in this direction??"

Jokes