Los Angeles Times, September 11, 1988:
 
A British Airways 737 landed at the Portuguese island of Porto Santo to refuel
and the pilot had to collect $2,000 in cash from his passengers before the
flight could continue to London, because the ground crew at the airport
refused to accept the pilot's credit card.
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California bumper snicker du jour
 
THE WEATHER IS HERE.  WISH YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL.
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James Whistler, he, whose mother got famous in that rocking chair, flunked
out of West Point for failing a chemistry exam. "Had silicon been a gas,"
he was to say, "I would have been a major general."
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Q:    What to you call a day when every evil, scary, horrible, ghoulish,  
 terrifying, awful, slimy creature comes out to scare the public?
A:    An Election.
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An elderly woman opened her refrigerator one day and found a little 
bunny rabbit sitting inside.
"What do you think you're doing in my refrigerator?" she demanded.
"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" replied the rabbit.
"Yeah; so what?"
"I'm just westing."
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HITCH HIKING  (Courtesy of George Carlin)
 
The next time you're hitch hiking and someone stops to pick you up, tell
them that you don't need a ride today, but that you will need one tomorrow
at the same time and place.
 
______________
 
When someone stops to pick you up and says, "Where to".  Tell them,
"First we have to pick up my mother, then take her to the doctor's, then
do the food shopping..."
_______________________________________________________________________
Siberian Huskie to Russian Wolfhound: Comrade, tell me please, what
      is Glasnost and Perestroika?
Russian Wolfhound to Siberian Huskie: Glasnost is: the leash is longer
      and you can bark all you want.  
      Perestroika is: they move the food dish farther away.
 
  An old woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy
packages.
Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it.  
  "Thank God," she says.
  A man in the seat behind her says "Excuse me comrade, but this is an atheist
society.  You should say 'Thank Stalin,' not 'Thank God.'"
  "Of course you are right," the old woman says.  "Thank Stalin."  She is
silent for a moment, then says: "Comrade, I have just had a terrible thought:
  What shall we say when Stalin dies?"
  The man behind her replies "In that case I think we can say 'Thank God.'"
_____________________________________________________________________
     The story is told around the old folks' table of an incident which
occurred during the revolutionary war about a farm in New York.  The farmer
raised aggressive chickens, and most of the neighbor kids wouldn't go near the
farm for the chickens would attack without reason or provocation.
     A British solider had gotten separated from his company, and was
wandering about the country side at night, when one of these chickens heard
the noise.
 The chicken went after the solider, pecking him and clawing him tell the
man was forced to hide in a small shed.  The farmer heard the noise, and
come out to find his was the first chicken to catch a tory.
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     During the civil war there was a very accident prone sailor by the name
of Lou.  Lou was cleaning the deck below when he happened to trip on the
wet floor and drop the lantern which caught fire.  The crew tried for awhile
to put the fire out, but had to abandon the ship when the fire got close
to the gun powder.  The headlines read the next day "Lou Slips, Sinks Ships".
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Last week the local power company had a minor problem and much of
downtown Madison and the UW-Madison campus lost power.  Turns out that
the computer science building got power restored before many of the
other buildings.
 
When asked why we got our power back so soon, someone claimed that we
have a generator in the basement with a squirrel running on a wheel to
generate it.  To which someone else remarked: "Only one squirrel powers
the whole building???  Must be Canadian."
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Q:  Where is medicine first mentioned in the bible?
A:  Where Moses gets his two tablets!
 
Q:  Where is tennis first mentioned in the bible?
A:  Where Jacob serves in Pharaoh's court!
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"Lawyer" is just "liar" mispronounced.
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   A group of Texans decide to go on a trip to Las Vegas (Nevada).
SO they save up their money for months and finally go.  When they 
get there they decide to start gambling right away, and meet back
in their room later that evening.  
     Later that evening...  the last texan comes back to the room
to find the rest of his friends crying to themselves.  "what happened
?" he asked? "we all lost our money, and have nothing to do." they
all replied in unison. Then, all of a sudden, the smart one jumps up and says
"hey, I saved $10. I know what I can go out and get, so that we can have fun
the rest of the weekend!" All of the others shook their heads in disbelief. 
"what can you get for $10?" said one.  "Just wait and see," he said as he
rushed out the door."
     About an hour later the man returned, with a brown grocery sack in his
arms.  He begins to pull out a couple of six-packs when the rest of the 
Texans scream,"You bought BEER with the only money we had!!!  You Idiot!"
"Not just beer," he said,"but look what else!," as he pulls out a box
of Tampons. "What did you get those for," asked another.
"don't be a DUMMY! It says right here on the box we can go swimming, or
horseback-riding, or play tennis....."
______________________________________________________________________________ 
   A man took his wife into the doctor for dizzy spells.  Finding the doctor
behind schedule the man went off to buy some christmas presents agreeing to
meet at a close shopping mall.  The wife was given a prescription and went
shopping. 
Found a really wonderful hat and some gloves.  When the husband rejoined her
he commented "You're all dressed up and no 'vere to go".
______________________________________________________________________________
     Man goes to doctor.  Says he's depressed.  Says life seems harsh and
cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is
vague and uncertain.  Doctor says the treatment is simple.  The great clown
Pagliacci is in town tonight.  Go and see him.  That should pick you up.  Man
bursts into tears.
     "But doctor . . . I am Pagliacci.
______________________________________________________________________________
Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
 
A. A Christian Science Monitor.
____________________________________________________________
Sample cause-of-death reports from early 1800s in Missouri;
 
``Went to bed feeling well, but woke up dead.''
 
``Died suddenly, nothing serious''
 
``Cause of death unknown; had never been fatally ill before.''
 
``Don't know; died without the aid of a physician.''
 
``death caused by blow on the head with an ax. Contributory
cause, another man's wife.''
__________________________________________________________________________
Q: What do you call a cow that can't give milk?
 
A: An utter failure.
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During a difficult political situation in a certain country the marshall
law was in effect from dusk to dawn.  One day, the soldiers patrolling an
area of the town noticed a man running in one of the streets.  The officer
in charge looked at his watch and noticed that there was at least one hour
remaining before the curfew was to take effect.
 
Suddenly, one of the soldiers aimed his gun at the man and shut him dead.
The officer was appalled by this action and yelled at the soldier, "What
the hell did you do that for?  The curfew doesn't start until at least
another hour!"
 
The soldier said, "Well sir, I knew where this man lived.  There was no
way in hell he was gonna make it home in an hour!!!"

Jokes