A man walked into a restaurant, went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife
and tried to commit suicide.  Fortunately, the employees were able to restrain
him and keep him calm until the police arrived.  When the police arrived, he
was taken out of the restaurant, but when they got him outside, he got away
from them and ran out into the street in front of traffic.  So what do the
police do to keep him from committing suicide again?  They shoot him!!  He then
died.
_________________________________
The fact of the matter is Jack
Wanted to get Jill on her back.
      So he concocted a tale
      Involving a pail,
But bungled his plan of attack.
_________________
A spry fellow in his eighties had met, fallen for, courted, won and married a
rather vigorous lady in her mid-thirties.  It had been several years since he
had Done It, so he went to his doctor to see if the doc had any advice for, as
the old fellow put it, "Keeping blissful the domestic woman."
 
The doctor thought it over, and said, "Well, Mr. Hickenlooper, I think my ad-
vice to you is to take in a youthful boarder."
 
This seemed strange to Mr. Hickenlooper, but as man who always followed his
doctor's advice (he WAS paying for it, after all), he put an ad in the paper,
and had his youthful boarder renting a room by the end of the week.
 
About five months later, Mr. Hickenlooper was at the doctor's again, this time
for a routine examination.
 
"How's your new wife doing?" asked the doctor.
 
"Just fine," said his patient. "Early last month, we found out that she's
pregnant."
 
The doctor smiled.  "I see you took my advice about a boarder."
 
"Yep," replied Mr. Hickenlooper, "and she's pregnant, too."
____________________________________
         HOW MANY ZEN MASTERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
         TWO. ONE TO SCREW IN THE BULB AND ONE TO NOT SCREW IT THE BULB.
 
       HOW MANY FRAT RATS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
      FIVE. ONE TO SCREW IN THE BULB AND FOUR TO YANK THE LADDER OUT
FROM
        UNDER THE FIRST.
 
      HOW MANY AUTO MECHANICS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
      TWO. ONE TO SCREW IN THE WRONG SIZE BULB AND ONE TO REPLACE THE
FAULTY  
      SOCKET.
 
      HOW MANY JEWISH MOTHERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
      NONE. (NO, THAT'S OKAY, I'LL JUST SIT HERE IN THE DARK.)
 
      HOW MANY W.A.S.P.S. DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
      TWO. ONE TO FIX DRINKS AND ONE TO CALL AN ELECTRICIAN.
 
      HOW MANY CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT
BULB?
      ONE. TO PRAY FOR THE OLD ONE TO GO BACK ON.
 
      HOW MANY BUREAUCRATS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
      ONE TO NOTICE THE BURNT - OUT BULB, ONE TO INFORM THE
DEPARTMENTAL
        SUPERVISOR, ONE TO AUTHORIZE THE SUPPLY REQUISITION, ONE TO FILL
OUT
        THE REQUISITION FORM, ONE TO SIGN THE FORM, THREE CLERKS TO FILE
        COPIES, ONE TO FORWARD A COPY TO PURCHASING, ONE TO SOLICIT BIDS
FOR
      THE  CONTRACT... (ad infinitum)

Jokes