Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and
disorderly conduct in a public park.
JUDGE   : What were you doing?
1ST MAN : Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.
JUDGE   : And what were you doing?
2ND MAN : I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."
JUDGE   : Sounds harmless.  And you, were you throwing peanuts
          in the pond as well?
3RD MAN : No, sir.  I AM Peanuts!
________________________________
The eminent surgeon, Sir Lauderdale Flitch, was strolling
through his local churchyard one day when he saw Tom Lurk, the
gravedigger, having a rest and swigging from a bottle of beer.
"Hey you!" called Sir Lauderdale.  "How dare you laze about and
drink alcohol in the churchyard.  Get on with your job or I
shall tell the vicar."
"I should have thought you'd be the last one to complain," said
Tom, "bearing in mind all your blunders I've had to cover up."
________________________________
Hi.   Yes, Mr. Noah Tall is still alive and pondering the mysteries of the
universe(s).  In fact, I've recently been researching washing machines and
exactly what happens in them.
 
   You may have always wondered why you must separate dark clothes from light
ones.  The reason is the light color clothes try to oppress the dark clothes
and keep them from rising to power.  Eventually, the dark clothes revolt
against the light clothes and a lot of dye is shed.  The final result is not
pretty, and probably not something you'd want to wear.
 
   There also seems to be a "food chain" involving larger clothes eating
smaller clothes.  Jeans and most shirts are partial to socks, but some dress
pants prefer underwear elastic.  The socks and underwear can defend themselves
only by swimming to the agitator where the shirts and pants can't reach them.
Alas, many do not survive and fall victim to the opposing outerwear.  Let us
bow our heads in a moment of silence for those that didn't make it through
the spin cycle, and for the other socks they leave behind.
 
   I propose a peaceful solution to the problems in the washing machine and
if it can save even one fruit of the loom guy or a single sock, I think it's
worth adopting worldwide: WASH EVERY PIECE OF CLOTHING SEPARATELY.
 
   Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with my washing machine.
 
 -Mr. Noah Tall
______________________________
Sign for a butcher shop with an attached slaughterhouse:
     
                   BUTCHER
             KILLS HIMSELF EVERY MORNING
______________________________
Sign for an expert in made-to-order shoes:
 
         WE MAKE SHOES EVEN FROM THE CUSTOMER'S HIDE
______________________________
Sign for a gynecologist who doubles as a general practitioner:
 
               DOCTOR FOR WOMEN
                 AND OTHER DISEASES
______________________________
If I can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I thought.
Jokes