Two wine-o's are sitting in a gutter, when one
     of them observes a dog licking himself. The one
     pushes the other and says:
   
      "Look. Don't you wish you could do that."
   
      The second wine-o stares at the dog for a few
     minutes and replies:
   
      "Yea, but as sure as I did, he'd bite me."
______________________________________________
      The Minister decides it's time to check in on
     the first grade class, in his Sunday school. As
     he opens the door to the class he notices
     "Little Johnny" flipping the teacher off, when
     her back was turned.
   
      The Minister runs over to Johnny and begins to
     tell him that just because the teacher did not
     see what he had done does not mean that God did
     not see.
   
      Minister: God is everywhere, Johnny.
   
      Johnny: Is God in Tommy's orchard?
   
      Minister: Yes Johnny, God is everywhere.
   
      Johnny: Is God in Tommy's house?
   
      Minister: Yes, God is in Tommy's house.
   
      Johnny: Is God in Tommy's garage?
   
      Minister: Yes Johnny, God is in Tommy's
     garage.
   
      Johnny: Your a *** damn liar, Tommy doesn't
     have a garage.
_____________________________________________
     
Did you hear that NASA is going to send 50 cows into space?
 
Yeah, it'll be the herd shot round the world...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Heard on a local newstation: 
 
"The police arrived with guns drawn on the scene where 10 calls to 911
were made without any voice contact.  It turns out the problem was a
tomato on the answering-machine/dialer."
 
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Q. How can you tell when a realtor is lying?
A. When her lips are moving.