1: Did you hear what happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his
   exorcist?
2: No, what?
1: He was repossessed.
______________________________
Q: "Do you like Kipling?"
A: "Don't know, I have never kippled."
___________________________________________________

A cathedral posts a "Help Wanted: Bell Ringer" sign in front of the church.
Soon, a man comes to the door of the church.  Having no arms, he bangs his
head against the door to affect a knock.  When the priest answers, he asks,
"How can I help you young man?"
 
"Yes, I've come for the bell-ringer position," the man replies.
 
The priest looks down at the man's body.  Seeing that the man has no arms,
the priest isn't about to let him have the job, however, before he can say
anything, the enthusiastic man rushes past him and runs up the steps of the
belltower.  The priest runs after him, not knowing what the man is up to.
As he is reaching the top of the stairs, to his horror, he sees the armless
man jumping face-first into the bell.   "DONG!!!!" goes the bell.  The
priest is overwhelmed by this display.  "My son, please..." he starts, but
to no avail, as the man is already jumping again.  "DONG!!!"  "Please stop
this, my son!" yells the priest, but the man is on the other side of the
bell from him.  The man starts to run towards the bell again and this time,
the priest tries to stop him, but just at the last second, the armless man
dodges to the side, trips, and falls out the window of the bell tower.
 
Horrified, the priest runs downstairs and outside only to find a crowd of
people clustered around the body of the armless man.  "Who is this?" asks a
member of the crowd, turning to the priest.
 
"I don't know," the priest responds, "but his face sure rings a bell."
 
A few weeks later, the priest is sitting in his office contemplating the
service for the upcoming mass when he hears a knock at the door.  Upon
opening it he sees another armless man who looks remarkably like the
unfortunate soul who had visited him prior.  "Can I help you?" asks the
priest.
 
"Yes," responds the man, "I have come to pay respects to my dead brother.
He was here a few weeks ago and tragically died in an accident."
 
"Oh yes, I am very sorry for that incident," says the priest.  "Would you
like to come in and light a candle for him?"
 
"No, no.  I just want to ring the bell for him."
 
"Wait...." the priest hollers, feeling like he's in a bad dream he has had
before.  The armless man is running up the stairs before the priest can do
anything.  Again, the man jumps face-first into the bell.  "DONG!!!!!"
The hysterical priest is now running about frantically trying to tackle the
fanatic bell-ringer.  Just as he is about to catch him, the armless man
hurls himself out of the bell-tower window to his death.
 
Upon reaching the street below, the priest is again met with a crowd of
people looking over the dead body.  "Who is this?" inquires one of the
people crowded around.
 
"I don't know," replies the priest, "but he sure is a dead ringer for his
brother."
______________________________
A chap walking down a street sees another guy disentangling
himself from a bicycle, flat on the road and start searching
for something desperately. Our chap, being a very kind hearted soul
goes up to this guy and says: "Old man, need some help?". The other
guy says: "Yes, please, I just lost my balance".
______________________________

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
are right more than half of the time.
            _ E. B. White
___________________________________
EXAMPLES OF UNCLEAR WRITING, SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS
RECEIVED BY A LOCAL WELFARE DEPARTMENT TO APPLICATIONS FOR SUPPORT...
 
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two
years old.  When do I get my money?
 
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by
the clergy regularly.
 
I cannot get sick pay.  I have six children.  Can you tell me why?
 
I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.
 
This is my ninth child.  What are you going to do about it?
 
Please find for certain if my husband is dead.  The man I am now
living with can't eat or do "anything" until he knows for sure.
 
I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate.  This
is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.
 
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten
pounds.  I hope this is satisfactory.
 
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of
which is a mistake as you can see.
 
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had
any relief since.  What are you going to do about it?
 
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead
an immortal life.
 
You have changed my little boy to a little girl.  Will this make any
difference.
 
I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day
and night.
 
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in
the enclosed envelope.
 
I want my money as quick as I can get it.  I've been in bed with the
doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good.  If things do not
improve, I will have to send for another doctor.