A man walking along a country lane encountered an old lady who
was holding two kettles up to her ears.  He couldn't help asking
her what she was doing.
"Well, if you hold two kettles up to your ears," the old woman
said, "you can hear a noise like a football match."
The man took the two kettles, held them up to his ears for a
while, then said "I can't hear anything."
"Ha-ha!" cackled the old lady. "It must be half-time..."
________________________________

Why were seven planks standing in a circle?
They were having a board meeting!
________________________________

"Psychiatry is a lot of junk," said one man to another.
"Oh?" said his companion. "Why do you say that?"
"Well, today my psychiatrist told me that I'm in love with my
umbrella.  Have you ever heard of anything so silly?"
"It does sound rather daft."
"I mean, me and my umbrella certainly have a sincere affection
for each other.  But LOVE?  That's just ridiculous!"
________________________________
HOTEL MANAGER: Well Mr Sloop, did you enjoy your stay here with
               us?
GUEST:         Yes, but I'm a bit upset about leaving the place
               now that I've practically bought it.
_______________________________
 
Many have experienced the confusion of traffic accidents and have
had  to summarize correctly what happened in a few words or  less
on insurance or accident forms.   The following quotes were taken
from those forms and were eventually published in the Toronto Sun
Paper.
 
 
 1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a
    tree I don't have.
 
 2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of
    it's intentions.
 
 3) I though my window was down, but I found out it was up when I
    put my hand through it.
 
 4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
 
 5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
 
 6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
 
 7) The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of
    times before I hit him.
 
 8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
    mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
 
 9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
 
10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way
    home, as I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up,
    obscuring my vision.
 
11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the
    wheel and had an accident.
 
12) I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my
    universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.
 
13) As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly
    appeared to stop in time to avoid the accent.
 
14) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
    pedestrian.
 
15) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
    vehicle.
 
16) An Invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and
    vanished.
 
17) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my
    hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.
 
18) I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side
    of the street when I struck him.
 
19) The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over
    him.
 
20) I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off
    the hood of my car.
 
21) I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later
    found in a ditch by some stray cows.
 
22) The telephone pole was approaching fast, I attempted to swerve
    out of it's way, when it struck the front of my car.
Jokes