Two fish were swallowed by a whale.  They bumped into each other
while wandering about in the whale's dark innards.
The first small fish said : "What's a nice sole like you doing 
in a plaice like this?"
The second fish said : "Eel by gum, I don't know."
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A woman walked into a smart dress shop and said to an assistant:
"Would you mind taking that pink dress with the orange ribbons
 out of the window for me?"
"Certainly, madam," said the assistant.  "I'll fetch it."
"Thank you," said the woman.  "The wretched thing annoys me 
 every time I pass!"
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One bright sunny morning, Mrs Malone turned to her husband
and said : "You know, Sidney, I think I'll take little Bertram
to the zoo today."
"Mr Malone shrugged : "I wouldn't bother if I was you.  If 
 they want the little devil, let them come and collect him."
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CUSTOMER : I'm looking for something cheap and nasty to give my
           mother-in-law as a present.
SHOPKEEPER : I've got just the thing, sir.  You can have my
             father-in-law!
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"Something the matter?" asked the cafe owner to the young well-
dressed customer who sat staring glumly at his coffee.
"Well," said the man, "two months ago my grandfather died and
left me $40 000."
"That doesn't sound like anything to get upset about," said the cafe 
owner.
"And last month an uncle I'd never met passed away and left me
$100 000."
"So why are you looking so unhappy?"
"Well," said the man, "this month - so far - nothing!!"
Jokes