Sidney and Zelda had just joined an exclusive country club.  Sidney, it is
true, had been to the finest schools, and had acquired a perfect upper-class
accent.  Zelda, unfortunately, still had the earthy speech of her Brooklyn
neighborhood.
 
"Listen, Zelda, whatever happens - you let me do the talking, OK?"
 
"Alright, Sidney, relax!"
 
Things were going great until Zelda decided to try the club swimming pool.
She jumped in, and under the shock of icy water, yelled:
 
      "OY, VEY IS MIR!!!!"
 
When she emerged, she looked at the staring poolside ladies, and said:
 
      "Vaddever dat minz."
 
_____________________
(1) There was a young man from Japan
    Who when asked why his lines didn't scan
    Replied that the reason
    Was because it's the season
    For getting as many impossibly long words into the last line of a limerick
as ever one possibly can.
 
(2) There was a young fellow from China
    Who hit on a rhyme scheme much finer.
    His limericks tend
    To come to an end
    Suddenly.
 
(3) And then there's a lady from Kew
    Whose limericks end at line two.
 
(4) There was an old man from Verdun
__________________________
      A small boy went to his teacher in class one day and asked her,
"Teacher, what does purple passion mean?"  The teacher looked at him in
absolute shock.
      "Get out of my classroom.  Go see the principal."
      So the kid, slightly stunned, went to wait in the principal's office. 
Soon he came in.  "So, son, what seems to be the trouble?"
      "Well, I got kicked out of my classroom, just because I wanted to know
what purple passion was."  The principal went into a rage.  "Get out of
my school!"  he shouted at the boy.  Totally shocked, the boy went home.
      "You're home early", said his mom, "what happened?".
      "Well, I got kicked out of my class room and kicked out of my school,
all because I wanted to know what purple passion was.", explained the
boy.
      His mom was livid.  "Get in your room, we'll see what your father has
to say about this!"  The kid slumped into his room, starting to get
scared and more than a little worried.  His father came home later that
night, and his mom sent him in to talk with their son.
      "So son, I understand you had a little trouble at school today.  You
better tell me what happened."
      The boy started.  "Well, I got kicked out of my class room, kicked out
of my school and kicked into my room, all because I wanted to know what
purple passion was."
      "I'll have none of you in MY house!  Get out, and never come back!" 
shouted the boys father as he stormed out of the room.  The kid quickly
ran outside so as not to upset his father more.
      By this time he's getting pretty scared.  He decides to look for a cop
to help him out.  "Excuse me officer, but I'm in trouble."
      "Well, what could a kind young boy like you have done to get himself in
trouble?"  asked the cop.
      "Well, I got kicked out of my class room, kicked out of my school,
kicked into my room and kicked out of my house, all because I wanted to
know what purple passion was."
      "I've never seen such from anyone on my beat!  We're going downtown. 
Better yet, let me give you a lift to the county line!"
      So now we find our hero wandering down the interstate, totally lost and
forlorn.  Fortunately, a state patrol officer stops.  "Son, you look
totally lost and forlorn.  What's wrong?"
      "I'd rather not say."
      "Hey, what'd you do, kill some one?  Heh heh  Come on now kid, I can't
help you if I don't know what's wrong."
      The boy gave in.  "Well, I got kicked out of my class room, kicked out
of my school, kicked into my room, kicked out of my house and kicked out
of my county, all because I wanted to know what purple passion was."
      "Well if that ain't the goldangest thing I ever heard.  Boy, you're
lucky we have law in these parts.  Else I'd a shot you myself.  You
better not show your face in this STATE again or I'll throw you in jail
till you're a hundred and twelve."
      The boy jumped onto the first bus he saw, and, after travelling some
time, started a conversation with the bus driver.  "So little guy, how
come you're travelling all alone so far from home?"
      The boy was to tired to try and hide his story.   "Well, I got kicked
out of my class room, kicked out of my school, kicked into my room,
kicked out of my house, kicked out of my county and kicked out of my
state, all because I wanted to know what purple passion was."
      All the passengers were thrown to the front of the bus as the driver
slammed on the brakes.  He said two words, "Kid, out."
      Now it just so happens that this bus was going thru Washington, D.C.,
and the boy was dropped off in front of the White House.  As he sat on
the curb, crying to himself, the President landed in his chopper close
by and headed for the door.  Out of the corner of his eye he spotted the
boy and was moved.  "Such a kind and gentle boy, what could ever be the
problem?"  he asked the child.  Our hero thought, here, at last, is some
one who can help me.
      "Help me!"  He cried out.
      "What seems to be the trouble?"
      "Well, I got kicked out of my class room, kicked out of my school,
kicked into my room, kicked out of my house, kicked out of my county,
kicked out of my state and kicked off of my bus, all because I wanted to
know what purple passion was."
      The President was shocked some one would say this to him.  He motioned
to a secret service agent to take the boy away.  Soon he found himself
on a ship headed east.
      On the ship, the boy soon became well known from hanging around the
control room.  One day, late in the voyage, the captain, who had become
a friend of the boy's, decided to find out the boy's story.  After much
arguing, the boy spilled his guts.  "Well, I got kicked out of my class
room, kicked out of my school, kicked into my room, kicked out of my
house, kicked out of my county, kicked out of my state, kicked off of my
bus and kicked out of my country,  all because I wanted to know what
purple passion was."
      The captain kicked the boy over board.  "Swim, you bastard"  he shouted
after him.
      After almost two full days of clinging to a piece of driftwood, the boy
washed up on shore.  A beautiful, rich woman found him, fed him, and put
him in the shade.  "What a sweet boy.  I wonder what happened?"  The boy
was delirious and he automatically recited his tale of woe.
       "I got kicked out of my class room, kicked out of my school, kicked
into my room, kicked out of my house, kicked out of my county, kicked
out of my state, kicked off of my bus, kicked out of my country and
kicked off my ship, all because I wanted to know what purple passion
was."
      The woman looked at him, and took pity.  "Boy," she said, "when you
feel better, go up the beach, through the park, across the road and to
the blue house.  A man there will tell you what you want to know."
      The boy couldn't believe it.  After all this time, all this trouble! 
He sprang to his feet and rushed up the beach, calling back "thank you,
oh, thank you" over his shoulder.  He stumbled through the small park
without even pausing to look at the other children.  Exhausted, crying,
and half crazy with delirium, he rushed into the street and was hit by a
truck and killed instantly.
 
      The moral of this story, folks.  No matter what, look both ways before
crossing the street.
_______________________
"There is nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation."
-John Ciardi
 
"I will make it a felony to drink small beer"
-William Shakespeare (Henry VI, Part II)
 
"Beer is not a good cocktail-party drink, especially in a home
where you don't know where the bathroom is."
-Billy Carter
 
"Show me a nation whose national beverage is beer, and I'll
show you an advanced toilet technology."
-Mark Hawkins
 
 "There is no bad beer: some kinds are better than others."
-German Proverb
 
"You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day, no matter how
rich you are."
-Col. Adolphus Busch
Jokes