There once was a man who owned two large dogs.  He lived next door to a lady
who owned a pet rabbit she kept in a case in her back yard.
 
One day, when the man came home from work he noticed that his dogs had dug a 
hole under the fence and had gotten out.  He went out to catch them and found 
them in his neighbor's yard fighting over something.  When he approached them
he noticed they were fighting over his neighbors pet rabbit, who was dead.  
 
He was horrified because he knew how much she loved her pet rabbit.  He knew 
she would be returning home from work soon so he had to think quick.  He took 
the dead rabbit inside and cleaned it up, then blow dried it, and then placed 
it back in the cage in her yard.  Satisfied, he then covered up the hole the 
dogs made and went back inside his house.
 
Later he heard his neighbors' car drive up, he took a deep breath.  Moments
later he heard her scream.  He then ran outside and said "I heard you scream, 
what happened".  She responded "my rabbit".  "Is he dead", he said.  "Yes",
she responded, "But that's not the problem.  He died last night and I buried
him over there by the fence, now I find him back in his case!"
______________________________
     Bill worked in a pickle factory.  He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had
a terrible compulsion.  He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle
slicer.
     His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it,
but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own.
 
     One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
     "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"
     "Oh, Bill, you didn't."
     "Yes, I did."
     "My God, Bill, what happened?"
     "I got fired."
     "No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
     "Oh,..... she got fired too."
_______________________________________
A professional football player dies in a traffic accident and finds himself
standing before the Pearly gates.  St. Peter rushes over, takes him by the
elbow and starts to rush him inside.
 
FP: "What's the rush?"
SP: "You're almost late for the kickoff!"
FP: "What kickoff?!"
SP: "Oh, that's right, you wouldn't know.  Today's the annual heaven
Superbowl, and you're playing in it."
 
Soon they reach the magnificent stadium.  Standing on the field are two teams
(missing one man, of course) _ and both are dressed in immaculate white
uniforms.  The referees are wearing white-on-white striped shirts.  The stands
are filled with hundreds of thousands _ yea verily millions _ of fans, all
dressed in pure white.  Then, on one sideline, a figure catches the football 
player's eye, the only one in sight not in white ...
FP: "Wow, what a sight.  But tell me, who is that guy over there in the red
and gold outfit?"
SP: "Oh, that's God.  He thinks he's Joe Montana."
______________________________
The aging head of a secluded Monastery decides he will take a walk into the
nearby town for the first time in 30 years. As he's walking down the street
he passes a hooker on a corner who says "Hey twenty dollars for a quicky".
Confused, he walks past another corner and another hooker says "Hey padre,
twenty dollars for a quicky". He has no idea what's going on, so he returns to
the monastery and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "What's
a quicky?"  She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town".
__________________________________
A woman is taking to another female friend on the phone:
 
     "I'm so mad at my husband"
     "why?"
     "He gave me a dozen roses!"
     "You're mad?..I'd appreciate that!"
     "well, now I have to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread
           and up in the air!!!"
     "Have you tried using a vase?"