Timothy Dexter, a native of Newburyport, Massachusetts, inquired of some merchants, whom he knew, how he should dispose of a few hundred dollars. Willing to hoax him, they answered, "Why, buy a cargo of warming-pans and send them to the West Indies, to be sure." He bought all the warming-pans he could find and sent them to a climate where there was every reason to suppose that ice would be far more acceptable. The warming-pans met with a rapid sale; the tops being used for strainers and the lower part for dippers, in the manufacture of molasses.
With the proceeds of this profitable cargo he built a vessel; and being informed by the carpenter that wales [i.e., boards] were wanting, he called on an acquaintance and said, "My head workman sends me word that he wants wales for the vessel. What does he mean?" "Why, whale bones, to be sure," answered the man, who, like everybody else, was willing to impose on his stupidity. Whale bones were accordingly bought; but finding Boston could not furnish enough, he emptied New York and Philadelphia as well. The ship carpenters, of course, had a hearty laugh at his expense; but, by a singular turn of fortune, this blunder also was the means of increasing his wealth. It soon after became fashionable for ladies to wear stays completely lined with whalebone; and as none was to be found in the country, it brought an immense price.
Thus his coffers were filled a second time by his odd speculations.

- From the Sacramento Daily Union of Nov 17, 1860.
News What is News
We find the following announcement in a St Louis paper: A party of gentlemen in Sacramento, California, have been for some time secretly experimenting in diamond making. The last mail informs us that the whole affair blew up, nearly killing J W Underwood, one of the enthusiasts.

- From the Sacramento Daily Union Dec 30, 1860
The French Railway companies have made a new regulation, whereby every passenger is weighed and charged accordingly.

- From the Sacramento Daily Union of November 29, 1861
Too Late - A large number of turkeys went to San Francisco yesterday by the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.

- From the Sacramento Daily Union of July 2, 1861
A Hen Brooding Kittens
A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. Petaluma Journal

- From the Sacramento Daily Union of October 31, 1861
Accident in Santa Cruz
At this place, August 15th, William D Farrand was shot in the thigh by the accidental discharge of his pistol while he was in the act of putting it in his pocket. The wound is severe.

- From the Sacramento Daily Union for September 13, 1860
A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."

- From the Sacramento Daily Union for September 11, 1861.
Climate and Surgery
R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially recommend our Sacrament climate and Sacramento surgery.

- From the Sacramento Daily Union of September 19, 1861
Born Again
The two Albino children now exhibiting in this city are represented to have been born in Monterrey county, of California Indian parents. When they were exhibited here some five or six months ago they were represented to be natives of Cuba, and of Cuban parents. It is a scriptural requisition that we all be "born again;" but this being born in an entirely different and remote locality, is the exercise of a license never contemplated or provided for in scriptural times, so far as we are advised.

- From the Nevada Morning Transcript of January 30, 1861
A New Way of Taking Pills
A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.

- From the Nevada Morning Transcript of February 15, 1861
"Heroine" is perhaps as peculiar a word as any in our language; the two first letters of it are a male, the three first a female, the four first a brave man, and the whole word a brave woman.

- Steven Wright jokes

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going to be up all night.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Having sex with Rachel (his girlfriend) is amazing. It's like going to a concert she yells a lot and throws Frisbees around the room. When she wants more, she lights a match. We were way up in Canada, hiking and camping and stuff. I don't know how she did it, but somehow Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So whenever I go to get my teeth cleaned, while I'm in the waiting room, I eat an entire box of Oreo cookies.
I went to a place to eat that said 'breakfast anytime.' So I ordered French toast during the renaissance.
If you were in a vehicle and you were traveling at the speed of light and then you turned your lights on would they do anything?
I bought some powdered water. But I don't know what to add.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
The other day is stuck my car key in my front door by accident, and my house started up. So I decided it to take it for a ride. A cop pulled me over for speeding. He asked me where I live. I said "Right here.".
I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said, "no, I made a few mistakes."
I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". In the corner on the legend it says "1 mile equals 1 mile".
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I wrote a song but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
If it's a penny for your thoughts, and you put your $.02 in, somewhere someone is making a penny.
I sat next to a blond Chinese girl on the bus who said she was a nymphomaniac attracted to Jewish cowboys. I said, "Hi, I'm Bucky Goldstein."
I once got caught copying an exam in the back of the class.... I guess the teacher must have heard the Xerox Machine.
I once put Instant Coffee in a Microwave and almost went back in time.
I have masking tape across my mirrors so I don't get sucked into an alternate dimension.
I just bought a decaffeinated coffee table. You can't even tell by looking at it.
I used to work as a parking attendant at logan airport. I parked jets, but I was fired. I kept locking the keys in them. I had to get them out using a coat hanger and an 82-foot step-ladder.
When I bought my house there was an electric switch that didn't seem to connect to anything. So, every once in a while I'd flick it up and down. A couple of months later I got a letter from a little old lady who lived in Germany, saying, "Cut it out!".
I bought a house recently, it's on the median strip of a highway. Nice grassy area. I like it. The only problem is when you leave the driveway, you've got to be going 55 miles an hour.
The other day I was in court for a traffic ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your Honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?".
I was stopped by the police the other day. The officer said to me, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?". "Yes." I said, "But I wasn't planning on being out that long.".
The other day I was thrown out of the theater for bringing my own food. "The prices here are outrageous." I screamed. "Besides, I haven't had a good barbecue in a long time.".
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire area was gone.
I was walking down the street the other day, and I saw a subliminal advertising executive just for a second.

Sorta like the old dumb joke of the hunter in the marshes who was walking along the reeds and suddenly saw a dog sailing straight up in the air and then falling back down again ... flying up and falling down ... flying up and falling down.
The hunter went over to investigate and found a fellow standing there, hurling the dog into the air. "What in hell are you doing?" the hunter asked the man.
"Well," the man replied, "I think I got snookered. They told me this here hound was a bird dog, but we ain't been able to catch nothin' all day ... "

It seems that a lady was driving down the highway in her VW bug when the engine suddenly quit. She pulled to the side, went to the front of the car, and opened the hood to look at the engine. When she saw that there was nothing there, she started jumping up and down and screaming "My engine's gone, my engine's gone!" over and over. Well, soon another woman in a VW bug happened along, and, seeing the commotion, stopped to help. "Don't worry," she soothed, "I've got a spare in the rear."

  Don't forget:

But you can't have everythingwhere would you put it?
It's a small world, but I'd hate to paint it.
I once got arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

OKLAHOMA CITY- Dennis Newton is no Perry Mason.

Newton, 47, was on trial for armed robbery Tuesday when he decided to fire his lawyer and represent himself.
Assistant District Attorney Larry Jones says Newton did just fine until the store's manager testified he was the robber.
Newton accused her of lying, and accidently said "I should have blown your...............head off". He quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there."
It only took the jury 20 minutes to convict him. The recommended sentence...... 30 years.

Some from the 8th annual Ten-Best Stressed Puns competition:

A man discovered that a blood vessel on his wife's forehead would enlarge as the barometric pressure fell. He learned soon to predict rainstorms by observing her weather vein. - During a dark night in Killarney, a group of American tourists huddled in Dirty Nellie's pub. A local Irishman sidled up to one of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy. "I'm sorry", the American said, stiffly. "I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons."

Three engineers are discussing the engineering qualifications of God. The mechanical engineer says "God must have been a mechanical engineer. Just consider the genius it took to design the bone and muscle systems that allow us to move in such a wide variety of ways".
"No", says the electrical engineer, "the complexity of the nervous system obviously suggests that God is basically an electrical engineer. The muscles and bones couldn't do anything without the electrical impulses from the brain". Then the civil engineer speaks up:
"No, I think God must be a civil engineer". The other two look at the c.e. in disbelief. "What???", they both say.
"Who else could have so tastefully placed a waste disposal site right next to a recreation area?".

One day this computer scientist died and went to the gates of heaven. Saint Peter said "you can stay in heaven or hell. Spend a few minutes in each and let me know where you want to go." So the man went in heaven and saw it was quiet and peaceful. But he thought it was boring, so he went to hell for a few minutes. There, in hell, were big parties and beautiful women running around.
Old Saint Peter "Hell looks a lot more fun, I choose hell." The man goes back to hell and when he gets there it's really hot and smells bad and people are screaming and yelling. So he goes to the devil and says "what happened? when I first saw hell it looked great with parties and pretty woman!"
The devil said....
"Oh, that was our demo."

Jokes